Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
