So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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