"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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