I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
