oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
