this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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