Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize