Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
