she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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