How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We got so high we made milksteak
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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