um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize