I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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