I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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