The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
