Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
