This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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