That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
