The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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