hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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