Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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