If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
