we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
