I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
