Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
