I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
