An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
