she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize