why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
