Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
