Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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