she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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