you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
