you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
