Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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