"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
