That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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