I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
