my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
