i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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