I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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