my phone needs a breathalizer
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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