Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize