i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
