I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize