my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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