she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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