the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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