Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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