you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
