When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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