I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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