I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
