I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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