just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
