take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
