You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
