I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
