barbara walters just said penis...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
