and you said cock pushups were impossible
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
