You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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