I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
