This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
