I just pynch a tree in the face
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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