On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
