If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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